There’s something about riding in a military vehicle that makes you have a pressing desire to use the toilet. And there’s usually something about eating an MRE that *prevents* you from going to the toilet. Maybe they’re supposed to cancel each other out?

But if you’re talking about an old MRE, then all bets are off. Those things have a reputation for being almost indestructible and lasting for decades, but that’s only under ideal conditions. A cool, dark, storage room with temperature and humidity control, sure– MREs from the 1980’s might still be survivable if not very tasty.

But most MREs are made and distributed to units and end up being stored for a few weeks or a few months in extreme heat, extreme cold, and fluctuating humidity. They may get transported in an airplane’s unpressurized cargo compartment, or in the unsealed hold of a ship crossing miles of saltwater. Even sealed plastic packages can only take so much abuse.

If they’re eaten quickly, there’s no time for nasty stuff to take hold (I mean, beyond the usual nastiness they are naturally imbued with) but years of storage in fluctuating conditions will take a toll.

I’ve opened up old MREs out of morbid curiosity (with no intent to eat them, just see what life forms had arisen) and they can get pretty interesting. In the Army we wear our pants tucked into our boots so that will contain the damage for poor ol’ Alvarez, but I don’t think his uniform allowance is going to go very far.